Two weeks before 2018 greeted us I started to become overwhelmed with anxiety as I knew that the new year meant I’d have to face the year mark of Curtis’ passing. My heart was hurting and I just couldn’t shake it off until the Saturday right before New Year’s Eve. I was watching the Hillsong Channel and God spoke so clear to me. You see, for months I had been getting this revelation about the word “trust” and “water”. I had no idea what that meant, until that Saturday when Taya Smith started to sing the bridge of “Oceans” by Hillsong United:
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior”
I finally understood what God was trying to tell me. There is a level of surrender that my assignment, here on this earth, requires and my level of trust needs to be without borders. Jaw dropped and eyes wide open, the awe of how direct that message was, baffled me. To think, the new year was a little over 24 hours away, I was days away from the first anniversary of my husband’s death, and God was showing me this. What a gift.
As time would have it, here we are, January 8, 2018. One whole year later. In this past year, there were moments where time stood still, life wasn’t really making sense and loss became a norm. In 2017, I lost so much. Aside from my husband passing away, it was the year so many other family members passed on as well, I lost my apartment, I was left with debt, I had to start everything over again. Along the way I was reminded that God said:
“[He] will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..” Joel 2:25
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8
Some moments “seeing the light” in this, wasn’t even a thought in my mind. Then it slowly became a distant longing, until one day came and I realized that the light was always within me. I was the light in the midst of the real pain in my own life because Christ was abiding in me. God makes all things new and he is always close to the brokenhearted. What he did for me, he has promised for you too.
I want to personally thank my family, and friends that have become family. You know exactly who you are. You called, you texted, you fed me, you clothed me, you covered me, and never forgot about me and my basic and spiritual needs. I will do everything and anything in my power to forever be there for you in the same magnitude I have seen your love poured into me.
I want to thank my extended internet family and supporters for sending me a timely word of encouragement, beautiful comments and sharing life changing testimonies about how my words have challenged your heart on seeking God.
And to my love, gosh how I miss your hugs, smile and laugh. You were such a joy to love, a true gentlemen with the biggest heart. I am forever thankful to have been given the gift of being your wife.
Today is the 8th and in the bible the number 8 represents “new beginnings” or a “new era”. With that being said, as of today, I receive all of the new that God has made available to me. Know that I am only here today by God’s grace alone. He loved me back to life and allowed me to have this voice to share of how unfailing His love really is. Get ready ya’ll because, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”(1 Corinthians 2:9) That goes for YOU too.
love, michelle ana