And just like that, 6 months have past since my husband, Curtis, has passed away. I think just saying that out loud is pretty surreal but also brings things into perspective. In the last 6 months, I have wrestled with so many emotions, heart ache and grief. The wrestling came from the fact that I knew I was called for more than just basking in my despair. I couldn’t just stay the way I was, this changed me. The death of my husband wasn’t the only death that occurred but essentially a piece of myself died with him.
When you marry the person that God has for you, you begin to embed this person into your future, your dreams, your world, and that is because you become one with them. Your worlds collide and you could never see yourself without this person. Despite the growing pains that life presents in marriage, your desires always remain to do life, forever, with this one person. The thing is, life does happen, and often times the unexpected shatters the future, the dreams and the world you so vividly pictured in your mind. What happens when you’ve trusted God with all that you had and you feel like he has let you down? This is a question that I had to ask myself. I had to decide, in these last several months, “what do I do with these broken pieces of life?”, “What do I do with the shattered parts of my heart?”. That’s when God reached down to where I was and reminded me that I am not the one to carry this all by myself.
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NLT
God reached down to the most intimate places of my heart and began the beautiful process of healing. Healing, not only for my own personal walk, but to be a direct reflection of what His healing looks like. I have come to terms that the longer I stay stuck in hiding, the longer it keeps me away from fulfilling my purpose and shining light on the one that matters the most, Jesus. I realize that the reason why I stay super quiet on my blog for months or my YouTube Channel, (and trust me, sometimes I feel really bad about it) is because certain things need to be just God and me. The most beautiful moments of healing are spent in the presence of God. I am respecting and honoring my healing process as I know he is the only one able to catapult me into his matchless favor. Basically, I ain’t worried about nothin’ because HE GOT ME. *wink*😜
God has called me to share this journey with who ever is willing to listen. Im sitting here writing this blog post but God is ultimately writing this story of mine. Although, painful at times, I trust that God has a beautiful plan for my life. One that shines light in the midst of darkness, that reflects love even when love is nowhere to be found, and that testifies to the life changing restoration that he promised us.
“The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts….” Joel 2:25 NLT
I want to leave you with this small token of encouragement. There are promises that God made to us, as his children. He promised that he would never leave our side. He promised that he’d restore all that has been stolen from us. He promised beauty for our ashes. He promised that he would reward those that diligently seek him. His promises are “Yes and Amen!”. This means that he will never go back on his promises and his word. Just know that everything is already working out for our good.
love, michelle ana
photo by Fabiane Photography.