Today marks two months that my husband Curtis passed away. Typing those words still feel very surreal but the reality of his absence makes it all very real. Reality has had a painful way of reminding me that I can no longer text/call Curtis and receive a response, I can no longer feel the embrace of his tight long hugs and kisses on my forehead. All these things have gone through my mind several times in the last two months. And still, even in being in such a dark place, God has met me there.
I’m currently typing this at the Starbucks coffee shop that Curtis and I used to always come to. He’d get his usual grande green tea frappuccino with extra caramel drizzle and caramel syrup, because there was just never enough caramel. The sounds of the baristas creating drinks and people chatting bring me back. Back to the days were Curtis and I would talk for hours here, about, well, everything. Curtis was so obsessed with creating for a living. Creating music, art, clothing, you name it, Curtis wanted to do it all. These are the things that left me so perplexed and confused at the time of his death. He was so full of life and dreams. Dreams we shared and dreams he aspired to pursue himself. It’s hard to think that the dreams that we shared together died with him. It’s a tough reality. The thing is, I have to hang on to something, something that is greater than me.
I was up for a rude awakening when I realized that God had a grander plan. This wasn’t about Curtis’ death. This was about mercy and grace. Pain is oh so real and almost palpable, I can feel it, but God has proven to be so much greater than my pain. You see, God is orchestrating galaxies and giving us the breath of life. He is literally holding your whole world in his hands. This brings joy to my soul. I won’t be happy every moment, nor can I ever reverse time and change the plot because this was always written in our story, in my story. The best part is that I’m not seeking happiness, I’m seeking joy. Joy says, no matter the circumstances, I will not be shaken.
My whole life has prepared me for this moment. The moment were I would break away from the limitations of small thinking and comfort zones, into the unknown. Walking in the unknown is SCARY. The untrodden road is reserved for those that choose life. Those that choose to ultimately trust the one that created the road. Every one has a story. Had I seen mine before hand, I wouldn’t have chosen to become a widow at 26, I wouldn’t have chosen to experience loosing my soul mate, I wouldn’t have chosen falling in love with my best friend just to loose him at such a young age, it’s just not fair. But He chose me. I don’t understand it most days and most times I wish it would all be a bad dream but I can almost hear Curtis saying, “You better not give up…”.
In December of 2016, I remember receiving a flood of opportunities coming my way with my brand, and the photo above reminds me of what he told me, “It’s happening… it’s happening…”. Most of the time I think Curtis believed in me more than I believed in myself. He knew I’d do amazing things.
Babi, thank you for being such an amazing and beautiful soul. I thank God every day for having had the opportunity of loving and serving you as your wife. It wasn’t always easy and at times it seemed impossible that two very flawed souls could love each other as much as we did, but that had to have been God’s love. Thank you for adding so much laughter and adventure to my life in the last 11 years of our relationship. Although I feel the hole of your absence in my heart, it’s comforting to know that you are receiving the perfect love of God. You made it baby! I miss you terribly but what great hope it is to know that I will be seeing you again one day. I know that you will await me with the BIGGEST smile on your face. I love you forever. Rest in Heaven Babi 01/09/90-01/08/17
All photos by Jacqueline Photography.