Grief, Lifestyle, love, Notes.

6 Months Later…

July 8, 2017

And just like that, 6 months have past since my husband, Curtis, has passed away. I think just saying that out loud is pretty surreal but also brings things into perspective. In the last 6 months, I have wrestled with so many emotions, heart ache and grief. The wrestling came from the fact that I knew I was called for more than just basking in my despair. I couldn’t just stay the way I was, this changed me. The death of my husband wasn’t the only death that occurred but essentially a piece of myself died with him.

When you marry the person that God has for you, you begin to embed this person into your future, your dreams, your world, and that is because you become one with them.  Your worlds collide and you could never see yourself without this person. Despite the growing pains that life presents in marriage, your desires always remain to do life, forever, with this one person. The thing is, life does happen, and often times the unexpected shatters the future, the dreams and the world you so vividly pictured in your mind. What happens when you’ve trusted God with all that you had and you feel like he has let you down? This is a question that I had to ask myself. I had to decide, in these last several months, “what do I do with these broken pieces of life?”, “What do I do with the shattered parts of my heart?”. That’s when God reached down to where I was and reminded me that I am not the one to carry this all by myself.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NLT

God reached down to the most intimate places of my heart and began the beautiful process of healing. Healing, not only for my own personal walk, but to be a direct reflection of what His healing looks like. I have come to terms that the longer I stay stuck in hiding, the longer it keeps me away from fulfilling my purpose and shining light on the one that matters the most, Jesus. I realize that the reason why I stay super quiet on my blog for months or my YouTube Channel, (and trust me, sometimes I feel really bad about it) is because certain things need to be just God and me. The most beautiful moments of healing are spent in the presence of God. I am respecting and honoring my healing process as I know he is the only one able to catapult me into his matchless favor. Basically, I ain’t worried about nothin’ because HE GOT ME. *wink*😜

God has called me to share this journey with who ever is willing to listen. Im sitting here writing this blog post but God is ultimately writing this story of mine. Although, painful at times, I trust that God has a beautiful plan for my life. One that shines light in the midst of darkness, that reflects love even when love is nowhere to be found, and that testifies to the life changing restoration that he promised us.

“The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts….” Joel 2:25 NLT

I want to leave you with this small token of encouragement. There are promises that God made to us, as his children. He promised that he would never leave our side. He promised that he’d restore all that has been stolen from us. He promised beauty for our ashes. He promised that he would reward those that diligently seek him. His promises are “Yes and Amen!”. This means that he will never go back on his promises and his word. Just know that everything is already working out for our good.

love, michelle ana

photo by Fabiane Photography.

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13 Comments

  • Reply Mary July 8, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    Beautifully written. Prayers and good thoughts with you always.

  • Reply Kimberlyn Rodriguez July 8, 2017 at 1:11 pm

    you continue to be an inspiration.
    love you xoxo

    ps. this photoshoot was one of my favorite days ever 🙂

  • Reply Alison July 8, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    Such a beautifully written post. It is so powerful. Thank you for sharing♥️

  • Reply Crystal July 8, 2017 at 7:37 pm

    I have been following on YouTube and Instagram and I’m so glad to see the love of God healing your heart and letting others witness God through your words, smile and praises. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family!!

  • Reply Jade July 8, 2017 at 11:47 pm

    Hi Michelle,

    Your strength has been remarkable and inspiring. The love and trust that you have in Jesus shows in all that you say and do. The loss of your husband is something that I wish to never experience but your journey through it is such a testimony to me. I suffer from depression & anxiety and its hard to get up many mornings. Your relationship with God encourages me to continually seek him and but my everlasting trust in his hands. I will continue to pray for your emotional healing through this difficult time.

    -Jade

  • Reply Jeannette July 8, 2017 at 11:57 pm

    AMEN! LOVE THIS. Thank you so much for sharing such intimate feelings and parts of your life and healing. YES! God has the perfect plan for you, including helping others like myself heal different types of heartaches. Much love to you!

  • Reply Nancy Rodriguez July 18, 2017 at 11:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing this process with us. Sometimes we question why, but we forget that, “in this world, we WILL have trouble” John 16:33, but with Christ as our strength we can overcome. God bless you and may you keep holding on to Him. 💜🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

  • Reply Annabel July 19, 2017 at 3:29 am

    Hello Michelle my name is Annabel and I have been following you on YouTube for several months , I love your story I was taken by your life’s pain and how you have delt with things, how God has been with you since day 1 you are an inspiration to me I cant wait to see what god has waiting for you …God bless you always you and your family my deepest sympathies….but you are a survivor and I love the song abba how you dedicated it to your husband Curtis the song is like wow. Thank you

  • Reply Mobolaji Akingbade July 20, 2017 at 2:52 am

    Hi I’m BJ,

    In December I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. This month marks 7 months since his passing. One night while searching through YouTube I typed in “my boyfriend passed away”. The exact reason behind it is uncertain but I will say I was looking for someone who could relate to my raging pain. Your video of losing your husband came up and I immediately watched it. I knew that this was not by chance or luck, God was the mastermind behind me finding you. I was amazed to find a young relatable believer who was in similar circumstance. It was almost unbelievable to me. I went as far as to watch the memorable service video you posted as well. I cried for hours that night because in the midst of your pain you digiently sought after Gods heart. Your story, your on going journey has reminded me that I’m not alone. Throughout my grief I kept asking God to allow me to meet someone who understands and he has via web lol. I just want to say that by you obeying the voice of God you’ve been a blessing in my life. Continue to fight the good fight love.

  • Reply Asaake July 20, 2017 at 9:09 am

    You are so incredibly strong! I pray God continues to comfort, uplift and guide you. And most importantly, I pray you never lose faith or joy in Christ! losing a loved one is so hard. Having experienced significant losses in my life, I can imagine just how tough it is for you. Your faith is inspiring! I’m so glad I found your blog and youtube channel.

  • Reply MAGELYN JAY July 28, 2017 at 2:19 am

    Michelle.. lots of love for you first of all..
    This type of grief that is bestowed upon you is so much more than what (we) are.. it’s not about Us..I have found that it is about how we can help others that are crippled with this grief.. It’s so much more than Us. When you begin to heal others .. you will heal yourself..
    All by Gods hand.. …. Magely

  • Reply Kelly Allison August 13, 2017 at 11:05 am

    Hi,
    I am probably not your usual subscriber. I am a 52 year old extremely “vanilla” in race and life. I have no idea how I even found this video. I guess I saw a beautiful young lady with the title 6 months later. I guess I would say, I was just curious. Now I realise the why, you were sent to me by our Savior.

    I have had a couple of really rough physical, mental and personal years. I have lost faith and spent a lot of time wallowing in pity. You, my sweet lady, have touched me with your testimony. I found you this morning. I have watched several videos this morning, I can’t wait to watch all of them. I can’t wait to share with my sister’s and mom.

    Lot’s of love and admiration from this old white mom from Honea Path, SC. (Two stop lights and maybe 4,000 people)

    Kelly Allison

  • Reply Avehe August 31, 2017 at 7:54 am

    Beautifully written ❤️❤️

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